Late Night Regrets
by SMS13
Summary: A series of standalones. Each character spends time thinking about one major regret in their life... Updated: Part 2: Susan...
1. Abby

**Late Night Regrets**

**Part One: Abby**

She made her way through the empty apartment, the light from the street lamps providing the only source to guide her. Her bare feet hit the wooden floor, a satisfying smack. It was cold are hard against her warm feet, yet the rest of her body shivered against the cold of the night. The full moon cast shadows upon her walls, eerie shapes she'd rather not recognize. Her eyes were burning from the lack of sleep, but after hours of twisting and turning, she had given up. She hit the side of a table on her way to the sofa, the pain drifting up and down her spine until it paused and settled on her hip. She swore under her breath, afraid to disrupt the silence of the night. The ticking clock provided a steady hypnotic rhythm, and the occasional car sound made its way through the sealed windows.   
  
She dragged the suddenly heavy sweater from its position on the top of her sofa and slipped it over her shoulders. She then climbed onto the sofa, digging her toes into the soft material, and throwing the comforter she held around her shoulders around her legs instead. Even through she was plastered in things that would usually warm her, tonight she felt unnaturally cold, almost as if she was empty from the inside out. She curled up onto her side, starring out through the window. She was high enough to see a section of the sky, before another building took over her view. The skies were overcast, the moon she had seen shining now hid behind a patch of grey-blue clouds. She brushed the strands of hair out of her face, curling back into the ball on the sofa, trying to radiate some warmth.   
  
She never pictured herself in this position, in this situation. She never had thought about going back to medical school after she was dropped. It never really occurred to her. She was always living someone else's dreams, never her own. She continuously tried to live up to these goals she never remembered setting, and when she fell, it was twice as hard to get back up again. After she had broken away from the holds Maggie held on her, she felt invincible. She was young and immature, seeking something that would make her feel alive for the first time. Slowly she found it, in the arms of Richard.   
  
He wasn't a horrible person, far from it. She wouldn't have fallen for him if he had been. He was smart and funny, charmed her right through many dates. He made her feel loved and special, the only time in all her years she had. They were good together, at the beginning. They had different classes, crazy schedules. She was working three jobs to get through college, and he was pulling week nights to pay off his own loans. They rarely got to see each other, but when they did, they were inseparable. She would lie, safely in his arms until the sun came up. She believed he was the best thing that ever happened to her. She was envied by her close friends, and she saw him in her future, for a very long time.   
  
Months slowly turned into a year, and they had toughed it out. Both gained acceptance into medical school. Richard was going to Loyola, while she progressed slowly at UIC. It was the night they had planned to celebrate their acceptance, that he proposed. She hadn't expected it at all, he simply dropped on one knee right in front of her apartment, the words rambling out of his mouth and hands shaking. She said yes even before he had a chance to finish. They were wed only three months later at a small ceremony with only his family and a few of her close friends and her brother.  
  
It was at about this time everything began to blurr for her, she still couldn't sort it out, almost ten years later. She was barely at home, between work and studies, she came home late and night, and went to bed. He had a strenuous schedule also, but he worked nights, took classes in the afternoon, and slept in the mornings. They had a backward schedule, and she never got to see him, unless it was a quick greeting on the way out the door. Everything seemed to be going so well, until reality took over. The bills had to be paid, tuition turned in, food, clothes, utilities. They didn't have the money, and they had no where to turn for it.  
  
She ditched the medical school idea, instead turned to a couple week course and got her nursing degree. She sacrificed her dream for him, since he had given her all her dreams. She worked the shifts, paid the bills as he flew through medical school. She planned to return, just as soon as the financial situation eased between them. Then everything began to officially fall apart. She worked almost all the time, coming home at ungodly hours only to eat and sleep. She had forced him to drop his job, she wanted him to have the rest he needed for his classes.   
  
She was barely there, spending her time off only sleeping or cleaning. She didn't know what he did when she was gone. He never told her, yet he would always greet her the same. A smile and a kiss, and he would hold her for a while. They would make love, and suddenly the thoughts of him being anything but perfect disappeared from her mind. After a while, she stopped pretending and started living. She spent nights wondering where he was. Sometimes she would get off early, and go home to an empty house, untouched by him. She found receipts in his pockets for things she had never seen. The credit card bills would come for things they never needed, or never even used. She wanted to believe it was all her mind playing tricks on her, but her heart led her to believe it was something else.   
  
She didn't play detective, she hadn't the need or the time. She pieced everything together, and slowly but surely, the news hit her. He was cheating on her, whether she cared to acknowledge it or not. She had no physical evidence, but it was the burning feeling in the pit of her stomach. She flipped through his wallet, the number of a woman scrawled on a piece of paper, that had obviously been opened, closed, and creased time and time again. She confronted him that evening. He originally denied the claims, but as their voices grew louder, he grew move violent. This wasn't the man she married.   
  
That was the night he slapped her, sent her crashing to the ground. Even through it all, she still loved him. He admitted it later that night, when he came home drunk. Called her a worthless waste of time. He grabbed a bag of clothes, and left. She cried through the night, cried more than she ever had. Her husband was cheating on her, the one person she believed would never hurt her intentionally. The one person she loved and cared for. She would always love him, although the feeling would never be the same.  
  
It was that night that she found out she was pregnant. It had come as a shock to her, she had been on the pill. They had been careful. The cramps and the lightheadedness began to worry her. She thought she was just under-eating, but when the morning sickness kicked in, she knew she had better check. She was right. The decision came quickly and almost naturally. She couldn't keep the baby, too many reasons loomed in her mind. She had grown up without a father, she didn't wish that upon her child. She didn't want her baby to end up like her mother, bipolar and unstable. If she was going to bring in a child, she wanted everything to be perfect. She didn't have the money, the force, the sanity to go through it all.  
  
The next morning she found herself calling the abortion clinic and scheduling an appointment. Even though they say the patients is supposed to have someone spend the night with them in case of complications, she didn't. She spent the night alone on the hardwood floor in her bedroom, rocking the pain away. He never knew. He would never know, she vowed that night never to tell him. After weeks of arguments and avoiding each other, the papers were thrown on the table. The divorce papers were drawn up, she got the apartment and compensation for tuition for medical school. He got everything else, including a new life.   
  
That night that she finally opened the bottle of merlot she had been saving for their second wedding anniversary. They never made it that far. She couldn't stop pouring the dark blood red liquid into the glass, sipping it. The sweetness made her want it more, and the burning sensation eased her pain. After about half the bottle, she was gone, laughing at one minute, crying her eyes out the next. She was drunk, a cheap drunk at that. She woke up the next morning with a hangover, but her throbbing head made the mental pain go away. She finished the bottle off that night, establishing the same effect.  
  
Slowly, this became her routine. She would come home from work, and head instantly for any form of alcohol in the house. She did it unknowingly. The beer in the back of the fridge instead of a glass of water. The wine coolers that had been there for months. Soon, her tolerance grew, and she moved on. It started with one shot of vodka, she could get the same effect as a bottle of wine. With time, she needed more and more, but it didn't control her. She controlled it, that's what she told herself. She went back to medical school, Richard complying with his end of the deal. She drank only when she wasn't studying, although she would regularly accompany a bottle of wine or a screwdriver with her anatomy books.  
  
Some nights she was okay, could deal with a simple beer. Other nights she needed the whole bottle of tequila to achieve her favorite effect. Slowly as her second year dwindled down, she met him in a bar. She had been walking home from work. She had lost a baby that afternoon, in OB. The neon lights called to her, the smell of cheap cigars and crappy cigarettes pulled her inside. Their divorce was in its final stages. She sat down at the opposite end of the room, and watched him out of the corner of her eye as drank herself into oblivion. The rest of the night became a blur, except for the words he screamed at her. She was a drunk, an alcoholic. She didn't even know when the change had happened.  
  
She denied it for so long, until she saw the damage it can do through one of her patients. It was seven years later, almost eight since she had openly admitted to herself she was an alcoholic. She did it in front of her mirror in the morning after finishing all the alcohol in her home. She could barely stand up straight, everything twisted around her. Her eyes were bloodshot, with dark black circles under them. Her hair was a mess, she was a little jaundice. The yellow tint of her skin made her look surreal. She refused to look in a mirror for weeks after that. She hated who she was, life held little meaning anymore.  
  
It was those nights, she battled the alcoholism, the depression, her mother, her worries, her failed marriage, that she wanted to end it all. She knew she wasn't bipolar like her mother, she would know what she was doing, she probably had good reasons to. Yet somehow, one thing kept her going. All her lonely nights ended up in tears, thinking about the life she snatched away. The life that had once lived inside her. She knew what happened in clear detail, the years working in OB serving her well. Yet the patient aspect was completely different.   
  
She was exposed in a thin hospital gown, the room freezing. Her legs were up in stirrups, the most uncomfortable position ever. Everything was ice against her body, she wanted to cry, but she didn't. Not there. Her body kept on shaking, all up to the time when the anaesthesiologist sent her into a deep sleep. She remembered starring at the calendar to her right, a picture of strawberry shortcake over the calendar boxes. After she woke up, there was a glass of milk and some cookies, as if she had just had her appendix removed or some minor surgery. The after-care nurse came in, a smile on her face, gently helping her get up and get dressed. Her stomach hurt, and the cramps to expel the rest of the debris from her uterus almost twisted her in two. She took the L home that night, she couldn't drive.  
  
Those lonely nights she thought about it, it was her second addiction. She heard the stories about the post-abortion depression, but she thought she would be stronger than that. She wasn't. She was haunted in her dreams, then dealt with guilt during the day, holding new born lives at work. She would sit there in the dark and imagined everything about it. Would it have been a boy or a girl? If it had been a boy, she would have named it Jacob. If it had been a girl, she would have been Sarah. She wondered what hair color her baby would have. Would he or she have brown her like her? Or would her baby be a dirty blonde like Richard? Would he or she have brown eyes or green ones, like the father? Would she be more of an artist? Or would he be more of a scientist? All the questions she would never have answers to.  
  
Was that her biggest regret? That she never had that baby? What kind of life would it been? She was ten years older now, ten years smarter. Would she have started drinking if she was pregnant? Or if she was a mother? Would she have had the time to go back to medical school? So many situations fled through her mind. Richard could have tried for custody. Even if he didn't, her baby deserved a father. She would have to see him. How would she explain to her son or daughter that their father loved them, but he didn't love her? What if her toddler asked if she loved her or his daddy? What would she say? Would she be able to lie? She still loved him. Ten years later, he was still a part of her, no doubt. Would they have stayed together? That was the biggest question.   
  
Richard had told her right before his second marriage he always wanted children. Would they have been a family? They could have worked through their problems had they tried. She wouldn't trust him completely, but if he was good to her that didn't matter. She would have been willing to try again. The baby could have changed her life, for the better or worse, she wasn't sure. She could have had her marriage back. Or she could be a single mother with a father who didn't care. She could not have a child at all, if Richard decided to file for full custody. If she had a child, would she be able to find someone else if Richard didn't come back. Would she have dated Luka? Would she have become as close to Carter as she had been? Would she have dated him? Her life would have been thrown upside down.   
  
What happened in the past, needed to stay in the past. Yet she didn't regret her relationship with Richard. If she was given the chance, and knew the outcome, she would have done it again. But she wouldn't have ended her pregnancy. Everything seemed horrible at the time, and it really was. Yet everything is possible when there is some hope. And the only hope she holds now is th chance to have a baby. Not now, but in the future. With someone she truly was happy with, someone she could honestly say she loved.   
  
Her gaze shifted toward the bowl near her door. She didn't know why, but her body decided to do it. She wiped away the tears that had fallen down her cheeks, and soaked the pillow her head was lying on. She pulled her legs closer to her chest, and pulled the blanket closer over her head. There were enough regrets for the night. She needed to live her life with no regrets. She had made so many changes, opened so many doors. She just needed to learn to love again, to trust again.   
  
She was finally able to say she was okay with who she was, she needed a little bit more work in some places, but she was becoming who she wanted. She was setting her own goals, and living her own dreams. She needed to say words that simply felt right, she needed to be weak once in a while and let herself be open. The regrets she held helped teach her lessons. She still had some time in front of her, maybe she would finally learn from her past. As the old saying goes, those that don't' learn history the first time around, are doomed to repeat it.   
  
Her body let out last one last shiver, and the last streams of tears made their way down her skin. Her body finally relaxed and melted into the soft cushions. Her gaze shifted to the full moon, now against a clear sky. There were millions of people starring at the same moon at that same moment. The world seemed so huge, but everyone shared certain things in common. Everyone wanted to be happy, to be safe, to be loved. Suddenly she didn't feel so alone, her apartment didn't feel that gigantic. Was she the only one that dwelled on her regrets? No. She was sure of this. Everyone had regrets, held questions without answers. Everyone had late night regrets, things that haunted them. Her eyes slowly closed, and she began to fade off into a restful sleep under the moonlight.

**_Author's Notes: Okay since I have commitment issues and a short attention span... I'm trying something as an experiment. This is the first section of a multi-chapter fic. I'm going to do a chapter from each character's POV. I started with Abby, since I had her planned out. I think I'm going to do Susan next. The whole point of this collection of standalones, is to highlight the biggest regret for each character... Everyone will have a different sitaution, a different history, but they are all sorta thinking about it at the same time... You'll get that later... I just thought that this would be a good idea, since it doenst' require me dragging out a story for a billion chapters, and I get to work with other characters, which I dont' really do alot. And of course, if you have a different opinion, leave me a message telling me what you think it might be... I spent some time thinking, so I sort worked things out, but I might have missed something. And thsi is actually the first fic were I'm not including any Carby moments. Wow. I know. So I hope you guys like it, and give me alot of input, good or bad. And I need some help, I was talking to Alexa yesterday, but I still dont' know. What do you think Carter's greatest reget is? So that's it. Enough for the huge author's note... Read and enjoy... Then review... Puh lease??? Thanks!_**


	2. Susan

**Late Night Regrets**

**Part Two: Susan**

She nursed the warm cup of hot chocolate in her hands. Her body was practically screaming out for coffee, but since she agreed to breast-feed for the time being, she couldn't have caffeine. And she ready to strangle Chuck when she smelled the rich aroma of the dark, black, energy-giving substance. She didn't have a problem. Coffee was her life. She needed it to survive, especially lately. She loved her son to death, but he was giving her grey hair already. Well at least not tonight. Tonight he was Chuck's problem. After all, the kid got his set of lungs and attitude. She sat on the back deck, clenching her sweater tighter around her. Okay, so maybe sitting outside wasn't such a good idea, but she was too comfortable to move. Her legs still hurt, although they had finally gone back to a normal size. Men had it way too easy. She set her cup on the table next to her and starred out at the city. The clear moon cast a glow on the towers, and she could see the city still bustling with late night activity. Oh, what she would give to be young and to be able to run around till four in the morning. The most fun she's had lately is shoving a bowling ball out of a key whole, also known as giving birth. She had talked to Carol a few days before she had gone into labor, and she said it was better the second time around. Hell, there was definitely not going to be a second time, unless they figure out a way for men to conceive, carry around a child for nine months, and shove it out of their body. One unplanned baby was enough, but of course, if a second one decided to pop in to say hello, it wouldn't be the end of the world.   
  
Simon's baptism was coming around in a few weeks, and they needed to figure out who the godparents were going to be. She wanted someone close to them, someone that she could rely on and would be there for her son. Although they weren't exactly the model Catholics, they both believed in God, and wanted their son to have the option available to him. Even if he didn't choose to follow their religion, at least he was given something to grow up with. She couldn't decide who she wanted, and the pact she had made that drunken night on the lakefront still hung in the back of her mind. She had an exceptionally bad day, a few years back, and Mark decided to drag her out to get a drink. One drink suddenly turned into seven, and they were both blathering like idiots. Then they decided to go down to the lakefront for a walk, but ended up sitting on the big concrete steps and making fun of each other. It was that night she learned of Mark's suffering over Jen and Rachel. He only wanted to give them a good life, he loved both of them so much, but in the end, decided it was better if they weren't together. In an awkward attempt to cheer him up, she promised him heir to the godfather throne of her first born. Yes. Those exact words. He let out a laugh and threw a pile of shredded grass her way. He might have forgotten it years later, but she still remembered. She kept her promises. Although this one would be impossible to keep.   
  
The tears began to pool in her eyes, but she blamed the cold wind. She knew better than that. She missed him. She had met him her first day as a resident, when he volunteered to help her find her way around the hospital. He was always patient and soft-spoken. He had a way with patients, he made them feel at ease. Hell, she remembered when he even had hair. He had become her first real friend in a strange new city. He always managed to cheer her up when something bad happened. Of course the early years were rocky, she was a new resident and he was chief resident. She was under his authority, and of course, they had quarrels. They would disagree on patients, on cases, on diagnosis, but at the end, all was forgiven and forgotten. Sometimes she just wanted to hit him upside the head for not trusting her abilities. Other times she was glad he was watching her back. He had been a true friend to all who knew him, especially to her.   
  
There were some times that just stuck out in her mind, good times and bad times, but all memories of him none the less. She remembered Carter's residency, how on his second night on call they had snuck in and put a cast on his leg while he slept. It was the funniest thing when they paged Carter and he came running out, almost tripping over the floor. Another time, he had shown his devotion to her. It was right around the time Chloe came for Suzie. She had raised Suzie for all that time, she loved her like a daughter, and suddenly Chloe came and snatched her away. It wasn't fair. It hadn't been right. And somehow, through it all, Mark had been there every time she called. He had understood her without having to say a word. He covered her patients if she needed a minute, he managed to put a smile on her face with a stupid joke or a silly story. He had really been one of a kind.   
  
Would she be right here, right now, if she had stayed that day? She wanted to see her niece, and the only way of doing that was leaving. But how did she know she would be missing so much by going off? She knew the world would go on without her, but her past controlled her present those few months in Arizona. She had thought about Chicago a lot, especially Mark. She simply missed him. She knew he loved her, but why couldn't she tell him she felt the same? Was she afraid of losing her best friend? Or was she more afraid of getting hurt? Whatever the case might have been, it was too late when she came back. He was engaged, expecting a baby. She knew a little about his life, but the once-frequent phone calls had grown less and less in frequency, and it surprised her if she talked to him at least once every six months. She hadn't known about his tumor, and she soon came to realize that she knew little about him during all the time she spent away. Was that her biggest regret? Not staying in Chicago? Leaving Mark after all he had done for her, for all the feelings between them. It seemed almost sadistic.   
  
When she returned, he was the first one inviting her, arms wide open. He didn't' have any hostilities over how she had left, or the distance that had grown between them. He had helped her find an apartment, set her life up, and without him, she wouldn't have come back to County. She knew he had a new life, one that didn't include her, but she cherished the times they did manage to get a night out together. They would sit and joke about old times, the pranks they pulled, the staff, the stories. Mark still talked to Doug. She kept in contact with Carol. They would fill out the details of the two-sided stories, and have a laugh over how long it took the two of them to get together. Even after over four years, he hadn't' changed. They managed to read each other's minds on orders, and both had gained a little more confidence. He teased her when something didn't go her way, a much needed break from the hectic situation in the ER.   
  
She had heard the rumors about Mark's tumor, but she didn't believe them at first. It took her a while to get the nerve to talk to him about it. It was then that she began to savor her friendship with him. She had almost lost him. He could have died then, and she would have never gotten the chance to see him, or tell him that she still loved him, that she would always be there for him, like the friend that he had always been to her. She had taken him for granted, and she never wanted to do that again.   
  
When she saw him sitting out on that bench, her heart almost sank. She instantly knew something horrible was wrong. She knew about Elizabeth, Ella, and Rachel, but something besides that was bothering him. He sat out there, starring at the wall in front of him. He was barely moving, he looked half dead. She had a vague idea of what might have happened, but she didn't want to believe it. She refused to even admit it to herself. Her best friend was dying. His days were numbered. She dragged him home that night, much to his objection. He couldn't be alone after chemo, but he was stubborn. He was in mental and physical pain, and there was nothing she could do about it but sit there and hold him. She held him through the night, crying herself to sleep after she was sure he was out. He was such a good man, he hadn't deserved any of it. Why did he have to be the one to leave? Why not some druggie on the street that no one needed or wanted around? Why not a murderer or a rapist? Why Mark?   
  
He left work, after a silent good-bye with her that night. She wanted to stay strong for him, she didn't cry until he walked out of the lounge. She collapsed against the lockers, her eyes burning like acid. She cried for days in bed, the uncertainty was eating her up alive. Elizabeth went to join him in Hawaii. He had spent the most time there when he was growing up. It was the only place he felt he was at home. How would she have dealt if she had been in Elizabeth's place? How much more would she have writhed? She had the chance to be in Elizabeth's position, but she chose to deny it. She suffered all the more for it.   
  
The day the letter came, she couldn't remember what was going on, where she was. She couldn't concentrate or focus. All her patients blurred together, all the memories played themselves in the back of her mind. She kept on expecting Mark to turn a corner any second, and ask her opinion on a case. She still expected it, even almost two years later. She had lost her best friend, and a part of her soul had been taken too. She wished he was still her, his cute bald head, his carefree attitude, his loving demeanor. He had been so much more to her.   
  
She wished he was here. She wondered what he would have said about Elizabeth and Ella. Or about her relationship with Chuck. Mark knew for a while about Carter and Abby, and he probably would have eventually pushed them together, both times. Carter knew Mark for all his years here. He had taken a special dedication to Carter after the drug addiction and rehab. He and Abby were close, also. He had saved her so many times as a medical student. He had always believed in her. Kerry wasn't the same person without him, they despised each other, but managed to get along at the same time. They were always together to lecture someone about what they were doing wrong. The "Mob Squad" or whatever was decided they were called. If they were together, that meant trouble. Mark had affected everyone on staff, everyone he had ever come in contact with. He was a super-hero, a star, prince. Everything a woman could ever want. He was a doctor, someone who saved lives and gave hope. He had been invincible in the white, although he never believed it.  
  
Slowly life went on, but she would catch herself thinking about him the odd moment. She saw a little bit of Mark in Carter. She saw a lot of Mark in both Ella and Rachel. She wished he was still here, but she knew he was still a part of her life. The only thing she had now was to look back and regret leaving. She would have had all the more memories with him. She had skipped out on time with him. Time that she would never get back again. Yet somehow she knew he was up there somewhere, watching over all of them. Somewhere up in the scattered stars, probably the one shining the brightest. She blew a kiss up into the starred night. The words I love you were whispered into the wind. He'd eventually get the message. And when he did she could see him laughing and teasing her for crying over him. Yet, she couldn't help it. She whipped away the last few drops on her cherry red cheeks and went inside to rescue her husband from the horrors of their son. There was no use thinking about what could have been, she had to look forward, to the present and the future, and make sure she never made the same mistake again. She had to have every relationship count, every last second on the earth count. Or else she would be regretting that too.

**_Author's Notes: Thank you so much for the reviews and input! It makes me want to continue writing... Anyways this is my first shot at writing Susan... It took me a while, cause she's got a little bit of sarcasm and humour to her, but a good heart. So I hope you enjoyed it... And please review!!!_**


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